Talia

May 27, 2022

“The love you feel holding your dead child is no different from holding your newborn. The difference is that you feel so helpless, so confused, and my heart and soul just felt changed.”

My pregnancy was unexpected. I’d had a period but two weeks later had a positive test. Not having a clue we booked a private scan on 4th March 2021 and I was a little under 9 weeks. I made appointments straight away as I’d been high risk with our (now) four year old because of the medication I take. I went on to have a placental abruption with her, almost died after hemorrhaging and had PTSD from the birth diagnosed.  Thankfully she was ok. I didn’t realize how many babies don’t survive an abruption.

The pregnancy was fine. I was quite sick, iron was low but scans every two weeks made me think we’d be ok. I requested a c-section quite early on as I was terrified of having another abruption and giving birth. I thought it would be healing to be in “control” and give me a different memory of birth. My last scan was at 36+5. I really didn’t understand why they were leaving us longer. I asked several times for it to be at 37 weeks as my anxiety was through the roof, I was terrified of another abruption.

On Tuesday 5th October 2021 I had a midwife appointment. I was 39+2 and my planned c-section was scheduled for the next day.  I’d mentioned that I had a change and reduction in movement but was reassured and all set.  I reiterated that I was looking forward to not having the panic that I had previously.

I had to have a lucozade at 6:30am on Wednesday 6th October and we arrived at hospital, as planned, for 7:30am.  Hubby went downstairs for a coffee and I got into my gown and stockings. I was the second woman to be dopplered and I still can’t explain it, but I had the biggest feeling of dread as she walked over. She couldn’t find her heartbeat. She said it might be the machine but to get my husband up. I just knew. They brought a scanner in to check and, sure enough, at 39+3, they confirmed our daughter had died.

The feelings of those initial moments, the feeling of your entire world falling apart, is indescribable. I do believe it’s something you have to have had the tragedy of feeling to really understand it.

I was screaming, I called my mum but the midwife had to speak to her as I was too hysterical.  At some point we were moved to a bereavement suite; the snowdrop suite. I remember thinking how cold it was, something I sadly understand the reason for now.

An emergency c-section came in so we had to wait. Another scan. Then all procedures followed.

Talia Seren was born silently at 12:07pm on Wednesday 6th October 2021. 5lb 13oz of beautiful baby who just hadn’t made it.

I didn’t get to hold her until we were in a room on the delivery ward because both bereavement suites were now occupied. The love you feel holding your dead child is no different from holding your newborn. The difference is that you feel so helpless, so confused, and my heart and soul just felt changed.

Holding her, spending time with her was the best yet most painful moment of my life. But I’d take that pain over and over just to hold my girl again.

The midwife, Amelia, was amazing. I reached out to sands online and thankfully found so many angel mums reaching out.

We spent five days visiting our girl. Reading to her. Adjusting to this path of parenthood we just hadn’t ever seen coming. And many days I still don’t know how we’re still standing.

But we do it. For Talia. And for other parents walking this path because our story, Talia’s story, may just help another family in those initial days. The baby loss community really is the best community that no one ever wants to be a part of.

-Thank you to Kari for sharing her story and her precious Talia with us. If you are interested in sharing your story with us, email Cari at contact@angelbaby.ca.

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