Luna

September 28, 2021

Having a miscarriage is such a common tragedy, but no one ever really talks about it. Statistics say that one in four women will experience a miscarriage. That’s a lot of angel babies sent up to heaven. I’m honored to share my story in hopes to encourage other women who have lost a child too soon.

On October 12th, 2018 we saw the two lines on the test. We were not trying to have a baby but when you see the two lines on a pregnancy test, your whole world instantly revolves around this tiny little person who you haven’t even met.

What was really shocking was that two weeks before I took the test, my mother-in-law sent us a message of a dream that she had. In this dream she was running and playing with our daughter. When I remembered her message, I instantly knew that she had prophesied that our baby would be a girl.

We were so happy with our sweet little surprise! The exciting announcement got around to family and close friends. All were obviously so thrilled and excited for us! This was going to be the first grand baby on both my side and Jason’s side of the family.

At 9 weeks we had our first doctor’s appointment. We were excited to hear the heartbeat but were told 9 weeks might be a bit early to find it. And we didn’t, so we left a little discouraged but tried to brush it off thinking it was normal.

When 10 weeks rolled around, I started spotting. I was told that this was normal, so again I brushed off any thought of the unthinkable.

At 11 weeks, on a Thursday, the spotting got heavier and cramps developed, so just to be safe I made a doctor’s appointment for the next day at 12:30pm. I went to work, but little did I know, the labor process would soon start.

I went to my doctor’s appointment, with Jason, scared and not knowing what was happening with my body, and most importantly our baby. The doctor said that if the bleeding got worse to go to the ER.

One hour later we were in the ER. I honestly don’t remember a whole lot after that. My body went into full labor cramps every 3 minutes. From 3 pm till 2 am I was in survival mode, not even being able to process that our baby was gone.

One thing I will never forget is the ultrasound tech say, “I see tissue but I can’t see a heartbeat.” I know doctors have to use their “terms,” but hearing my baby referred to as tissue was heartbreaking.

The next couple days consisted of doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds and later getting a DNC surgery to stop the inflammation in my uterus. After the appointments stopped, the reality started to sink in.

When I was made aware that I could drink wine again, I cried. I didn’t want to drink alcohol, I wanted to still be cautious about what I ate for my child’s sake. When it was time to go back to work as a childcare worker, every crying child would strike a nerve and I would have to leave.

In the following months I wasn’t angry with God. I would have moments of grief, but I would face it all on my own. I was numb to the idea of going to God for comfort. I wasn’t ready to talk to Him. I thought I could grieve without Him. I had Jason and that’s all that mattered.

Then one night, I was having the hardest time falling asleep. I felt God’s Spirit poking me that He wanted to talk to me. After ignoring Him for about 2 hours I gave in. I got up and said out loud, “Ok, what do you want?” As clear as day, I heard Him say, “Dance with me.” So I did. I moved the furniture in my living room, played worship music and started to dance. I started to give it all to Him. I crashed into His Spirit. Sank into His embrace. I felt a comfort and hope in God that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

The next year included many other obstacles. Depression, insecurity in friend groups and not opening up to my husband. And ultimately, just missing our precious Luna (that is what we decided to name her).

My husband had an eye-opening perspective. He would tell me in my hard moments, “Luna is in the best possible place she can be. She didn’t ever face the trials and hard times of this world. She is safe and gets to be in heaven with Jesus.”

Mathew 11:28 says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” This is a verse that will never stop being relevant. We can’t do this life alone. God desires for our hearts to be aligned with His. He wants to help carry the load. We aren’t promised a perfect life, but we are promised that God will never leave his children. God IS our living hope.

I will always dream about who Luna would have been and what she would have looked like, but I will never doubt where she is. My miscarriage has become a part of my testimony. Luna will always be a part of me and Jason.

To other families who have gone through this loss, you are not alone. You can ignore God all you want but you won’t get the peace that your soul is seeking for. I encourage you to choose Him. He is a good, good father to those earth-side and heaven-side. He hears your sobs in the night, He knows your longing in the morning.

To my fellow angel baby mamas: “It takes invincible strength to mother a child that you can no longer hold, see, touch or hear.”

-Kayla

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