April 8, 2022
Our Heavenly Flower
On Sunday, April 11th, 2021, my boyfriend Jose and I found out we were pregnant. It was our 5 year anniversary, and we couldn’t have asked for a more perfect way to celebrate. We were so excited and looking forward to meeting our new baby.
On Wednesday, July 14th, 2021, we found out we were having a girl! We were so excited and had even picked out her name before she was even conceived. Her two older brothers, Nathan and Jay, and sister Brianna, were also very happy and couldn’t wait to meet her. The next day Thursday, July 15th, 2021, our world was turned upside down. My water broke at only 20 weeks + 1 day.
We went into labor and delivery and after an ultrasound, my doctor informed us that I had no amniotic fluid. We were able to hear our baby’s heartbeat and see her moving around perfectly fine. The doctor wanted to confirm and double check the amniotic fluid, so she did a second ultrasound, this time a vaginal ultrasound only to confirm the same thing, baby’s heartbeat was strong and she was still moving around, but there were no fluids.
My doctor then did an Amnisure test and sent it off to the lab. That test confirmed what we already knew, PPROM (Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes). We didn’t understand at that moment what all this meant and how it would forever change our lives. The doctor explained our options to us and none of them were good.
All though we could attempt to wait and see if our baby could make it to 23-24 weeks for a higher chance of viability, this came with a huge risk to both of us because of the very high risk of serious infection to both of us, among other things. The safer option for both of us was to get induced, but this would come with a 99% chance that she would be stillborn.
After lots of thinking, praying, and hoping for a miracle we went into our induction.
Friday, July 16, 2021, I got induced at 3:00 pm, the absolute saddest and hardest decision of our lives. Before I got induced, my doctor offered us the chance to speak to a chaplain, to which we agreed. After speaking to the chaplain and praying for our baby I felt her move yet again. I remember telling the chaplain “My baby’s moving, I feel her!” I cried and rubbed my belly acknowledging her movements. That was the last time I would ever feel her movements.
Leilani Rose our beautiful Angel arrived that night, stillborn at 9:30pm. She was perfect, she is perfect! She was so tiny weighing only 11 ounces but so perfectly formed with daddy’s nose and mommy’s chin and toes. What gives us comfort is knowing that God gave us the privilege to see, to hold and to kiss our beautiful angel.
We also had the privilege of baptizing her shortly after she was born. This allowed us to accept what we were going through and gave us a sense of peace and comfort in the middle of all the devastation and sadness we still feel to this day. I honestly believe that the last movements I felt after the prayer was her way of thanking us and saying goodbye.
Her name, chosen since before conception is also a sign for us, as Leilani means “Heavenly flower”. That is exactly what she is to us, our heavenly flower, our beautiful angel, Leilani Rose.
It’s been a few months since we met our beautiful angel and although it’s been very, very hard on us with lots of triggers, what has helped me cope with this unimaginable pain is sharing my story and keeping her memory alive. Speaking about her and sharing my story has helped, and continues to help me heal emotionally. Although I know the pain will never go away, I find so much peace in talking about how beautiful Leilani Rose is and doing what I can to keep her memory alive.
I also talk to her all the time. I tell her how much she is missed and how much she is loved. I talk to her in the present tense because I know she is here with us. Not in a physical form, how we wish she would be but in a spiritual form. Many times, I’ve asked her for signs, signs to let us know she’s here with us. Sure enough she gives us the signs we need. That is something that I will cherish forever and something that keeps me going day after day.
My beautiful Leilani Rose, thank you for all the beautiful signs and thank you for allowing us to be your parents. Mommy and Daddy love you. Till we meet again sweet Angel. You were too beautiful for this world. Stillborn but STILL BORN.
-Angie< Back to Blog